I finally got a new therapist, and have been seeing her twice a week since mid-December of 2017. I didn’t want to see another therapist, but I knew that it would help me make some important decisions. The main reason I wanted to start therapy again, was to get help with deciding whether or not to work again, given my diagnosis and current mental state.
In our first few sessions, I was asked to basically explain how my bipolar disorder has affected me in my life. She basically wanted my mental health history, from my point of view. This way, she can get to know me better, and eventually be able to suggest solutions to some of my issues.
I also let her know how depressed I’ve been feeling, since I quit my last job. She wanted to get to the root of the depression, so she started asking a lot of questions. Somehow we started talking about family, and if I wanted children. I let her know that my husband and I did want children, but that due to infertility issues, there is a slim chance of conceiving. As soon as I started talking about not being able to have a child, I started to get really emotional and cry.
Since I was a child, I always wanted to be a mom. When I found out that we probably will not have children, I was crushed. The doctor told us, that it was possible to conceive, but there was only a slight chance. There are also other options, to help me conceive as well. To me, this meant, there was still a glimmer of hope. This “glimmer,” opened an obsessive side of me, which I never knew I had.
I started to track my periods, so I knew when I was fertile. I started obsessively reading pregnancy signs and symptoms every time I was close to my period. I would read two week wait posts, on pregnancy websites, to see what other women experienced before they got a positive pregnancy test. I even went as far as buying early detection pregnancy tests and taking them prior to my period starting.
I say all of this, so you know just how important it was for me to have a child. So, after years of trying to conceive, my husband and I sought out a fertility specialist, to see what was going on. After the results were received, and I found out we would probably never be parents, I became deeply depressed, and still feel sad about the situation now.
I told the therapist all of this, and expressed to her that I feel like I’m grieving a loss of something I never had. She let me know that this feeling was normal. She also asked if my husband knew just how much this has affected me. I told her I had never told him how upset I’ve been over not being able to conceive. She let me know that eventually, I should discuss this with him and tell him how much I want a child. Eventually this conversation will happen, but not now. In my husband’s mind, if we do not conceive naturally, then it wasn’t meant to be. Plus, he is twelve years older than me, 48, and does not want to be taking care of a teenager when he retires. Because of this, I’m afraid to bring up the topic and discuss it. I fear, I won’t like his response.
I started therapy to figure out whether or not to work again, and to learn how to manage my bipolar disorder, depression, stress and anxiety. I didn’t go there to talk about not being able to have children, but obviously this was weighing on me more than I thought. Maybe this is a big part of my depression after all. The therapist and I will have to look into this more in our upcoming sessions.
Today, I received a phone call from the Social Security Administration, regarding my permanent disability application. They wanted to make sure I received the final form, which they need me to complete, to finish the approval process of my permanent disability claim. I let them know that I had the form and asked for some assistance on how to complete it. The women on the phone gave me all the information I would need to complete the form myself. She also told me that my permanent disability application was approved, but they needed this last bit of information, prior to the official approval.
I applied for permanent disability in October of 2017, and didn’t expect to hear back from them so soon, with a determination. When the woman on the phone said that it was pretty much approved, a bunch of emotions went through my mind. I felt relieved, overwhelmed, and excited. Most of all, I felt sad. I was sad, because it was becoming a reality that I may not work again. I was thinking that I might be declined for some reason, and have to go back to work eventually. So, when she said it was approved, I felt like I don’t have to go back to work after all. To me, not going back to work is something else I will have to grieve. Right now, not being able to have kids, and not being able to work, are the root of my depression.
I see my therapist tomorrow, and will discuss with her how I’m feeling about the major possibility of permanent disability.